The Magic Number 30

LP works on collecting 30 branches.

LP loves the number 30. I think it is the biggest number she can imagine.

So when she enjoys a game she wants to play it 30 times. Or read a book 30 times. Or eat 30 cookies. Or pick 30 flowers...and so on and so on.

My observations is that although she can count to 30, the upper numbers don't really have meaning yet, so 30! Wow! That's just the biggest, the most, the best amount!

It makes us smile every time. She's so delighted by asking for 30. And although we cheat and do something a bunch of times (like 5 or 6 or 9) and call it a day. It seems to satisfy her.

Oh kiddo, just wait until you discover the world beyond 30. Yes, Little Person, you could ask for 100 cookies or put 300 shakes of cinnamon in the muffins or pick 2000 flowers.

And it does give me a reflective pause....wondering what is my 30? What are the things that I'm accepting as the end, that I don't have the vision to see beyond? What boundaries have I created in my world that I accept as the way things are and will be for always? There is a whole other realm of possibilities beyond that...I'm talking about the 40s and 50s and 100s and 1000s and 10000000000s.

As I'm reflecting on it, I see how I accept many 30s in my life now. In my writing. In my getting involved in new things. In taking risks in relationships.

So for now, we delight in 30...and look forward to the world getting bigger and filled with even more possibility. LP will discover those at her pace and I'll keep trying to be open to ones for me too.

This post is part of the Moms' 30 Minute Blog Challenge over at SteadyMom.

Making memories...

Today on the bus with LP on my lap, an elderly woman said to me, "A woman can live to be about 80 years old or so and we only have our children for such a short time."

We just had 2 more stops to go when she said this but in those few blocks she also shared that when "they go away from you, they do come back again"…and that "the best is being a grandparent." (when she said "grandparent" her whole face lit up...I look forward to the grandparent experience someday!)

I find that thing everyone says about "it goes so fast" is completely true (in the big picture, I still find individual moments or minutes can take forever). LP is three and bounding forward in her knowledge and abilities every day. Whoosh!

It often crosses my mind the memories I am creating for LP; what I don't often think about is the memories I am creating for me. Memories to stand out from the moments of tedium and times of tantrums.

So from our recent days, I hope that we will both remember:
• porcupine stew (crackers with butter and dried lentils)
• gardening in the rain
• walking with shaving cream "penguin feet"
• creating a costume out of pipe cleaners complete with tiara, earrings, glasses, necklace, dressing gown, belt with a ponytail and anklets
• sharing flower "ice cream cones"

And the one that's just for my mind's eye…the sweet sight of LP sleeping.



This post is part of the 30 Minute Blog Challenge over at SteadyMom.

Traveling Heavy

is not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm getting LP and myself ready to hit the road to visit family on the East Coast and getting in my usual pre-flight anxiety twist-up. Part of me gets focused on "oh I'm bringing too much stuff" and then worried that I'm not bringing the right stuff. And so on and so on and so on.

I was thinking that I had traveled light pre-LP but that isn't true. I don't like to fly so I always brought as many distractions (books, crossword puzzles, knitting, writing, music) as possible.

Then I realized how to let go of the anxiety...traveling with all this stuff is for comfort. As much as LP needs her best buds, Lambda & BunBun, to come along, I need to know that I'm prepared for...well, for almost anything.

It reminded me of being a new improvisor and wanting to have a set list for a show. I wanted to know what games we would play (or at least might play) and to have reviewed the rules and so on. Then I got restless with so much "knowing" and wanting more challenge. So I started doing shows without set lists...and then I started doing longform improv. This longform creating of up to 2 hour shows on the spot still feels delicious and exciting. In Un-Scripted we usually have a frame we've agreed upon (a genre, like Shakespeare or Romantic Comedy) and we rehearse to come to agreement about what that genre means but then....in the show it is so open and free to discover all the things can happen. I went from needing the illusion of being prepared to anything to feeling prepared to improvise.

It reminded me of being a new parent and anxiously reading and seeking advice (or accepting advice thrust upon us!). And then (finally) came a point of balance of finding the place that brought together useful information (like what is developmentally appropriate) with being in the moment of being a parent and figuring out what works for our family. I went from needing to find the "right" way to needing to find our way.

So I'm traveling heavy today....although a little lighter than in the past. The first time I took a plane trip with LP I brought 20+diapers, today I only have 8.

The View from Here & Now

Here and now, I am on a plateau. Somehow so many areas of my life (including finding "a ha!" moments and ideas to blog about) feel stalled right now. My ability to initiate, to create, to make things happen...that ability seems to be set on low (or off). I feel less competent in almost every arena of life. Ugh.

I am not patient with being on a plateau. I am not gracious about being on a plateau. I have all kinds of "good" self-talk about how being on a plateau is also part of learning and growing. It can be a place of integration or a place of regeneration. I am trying, trying, trying to see it as an opportunity to regenerate, to restore energy to heart and mind and spirit.

I attempt to reflect on other plateau times and I know these things to be true. That the plateau is part of learning. I am seeking ways to breathe deeply and take in the view because I know that when things get moving again, that big things may happen.

Improv frames my perspective in this as in many things. I remember after about 2 years of improvising (and I mean IMPROVISING...once I caught the improv bug, that's what I did 4 or 5 nights a week...classes, shows, impromptu get togethers, etc), I just stopped improving. I wasn't able to translate my knowledge of characters and story into action in scenes and games. I floundered. I despaired. It went on for a looooonnnnng time. Friends became performers and excelled. I remained in classes and regressed. And got upset and sad and didn't think it would ever change.

And it did. Slowly without realizing it, it changed. All that head knowledge turned into active knowledge. And I was invited to perform. And teach. And so many doors opened up that I am ever grateful for not giving up. I didn't know what life would look like off the plateau, just that I wanted off the plateau.

Many years later, my perspective is a bit different. I would like to get off the plateau but my hope is I can use this time to prepare for the unknown ahead. I want to feel ready to start saying YES to ideas and opportunities (without obsessing about where are those ideas and opportunities???).


This post is part of the Moms' 30 Minute Blog Challenge over at SteadyMom.

Cloud Parenting

Sometimes I get stuck in my own story.

We all do. Probably more often than is comfortable to admit. I find that I've become closed to alternative ways of seeing or understanding. There are many paradigms out there to understand this process....and all of them (in my mind) boil down to this...there is more to the story.

"More" can be a different perspective. "More" can be details that have gone unnoticed. "More" can be allowing new feelings to color and tint OR letting old feelings stop coloring experience. "More" can mean so many things.

One of the glorious things about improv stories is that they are of the moment. The more experienced an improv storyteller becomes, the more at ease one becomes with exploring new paths, letting go of assumptions and experiencing new story realities...essentially ready to watch the clouds of the story change. Was that a rabbit in the sky....or a mushroom growing near a top hat? Or was it a rabbit disappearing into a discarded magician's hat?

Last week, in the midst of a bunch of rainy days, we had a burst of blue sky. After a lunch picnic, LP and I lay on a blanket and watched the clouds move in the sky. And as I watched those clouds change, I thought about how much LP is changing every day. I tried to soften my gaze on her and see the things that I don't usually see. It is easy to focus on the parts of LP that delight me and the things that are challenging. So easy to focus on the first image, on my first ideas and assumptions about what it means that she loves to make bouquets out of any material she can find in nature. Or what it means that she prefers the color red. Or loves dinosaurs.

And focusing on those details can leave so much out of the story of who she is today...and tomorrow. Noticing the details is wonderful. So is noticing when the details are limiting my ability to really see her in any given moment.

It is a challenge to give up our solid sense of story, of this is how you are and who you are. Yet when we can do this, when we can see each other as changing beings, we can not only better support growth but enjoy all the potentials you can see.

I hope that I can remember to watch LP with that soft, cloud-watching vision sometimes and to also help her build her ability to see the world in alternative ways.


This post is part of the Moms' 30 Minute Blog Challenge over at SteadyMom.

These are a few of our favorite things...

As 2009 hurtles to a close, I thought I'd share a few of our favorite things on the books and music front. One of the many wonderful things about being an improvisor is that everything is grist for the improv mill...just like common advice for writers is to read a lot, same is true for improvisors. The more diversity we are exposed to, the more choices our imaginations have as possibilities when we start making things up.

So here's some music and books we enjoyed (and occasionally both combined):

Top Songs of 09
LP gets very attached to songs. We started the year with the incessant refrain of "My Favorite Things"...thank goodness I love Julie Andrews and the Sound of Music because that song was truly on nonstop. Here's some other songs that took several spins on our cd player and ipods:

"Choo Choo Boogaloo" by Buckwheat Zydeco (on the album of the same name)
"Riding on the Buggy" by Phil (on the album Turkey in the Straw)
"Shoveling" by Tom Chapin (on the album Family Tree)
"Roller in the Coaster" by Justin Roberts (on Putamayo's Folk Playground)

A few artists got major play with more than one song in the rotation...pretty much anything by The Carpenters, Asheba (wonderful, local artist, one of my favorite children's performers and I've seen many in a past life in arts-in-education) and currently The Allman Brothers.

Also books that are songs like Raffi's Baby Baluga and Natalie Bernard Westcott's Skip to My Lou were happily read/sang all year long. (I enjoy Westcott's illustrations so I pick up anything at the library that she's written or illustrated.)


Favorite Kids Books
LP and I are major library hounds...and we got through lots and lots of books. These are the ones that stand out and came home with us multiple times (mostly picture books although some are also available in board book form):

I've always loved Bruce Degan's Jamberry and this year we discovered Daddy is a Doodlebug -- an instant hit in our house.

Olivier Dunrea's gosling books especially Gossie and Gossie & Gertie

Farm Fresh Cats by Scott Santoro... a quirky book about the day that something extraordinary happens on Farmer Ray's farm.

Bear Snores On by Karma Wilson

The Mouse and the Buddha by Kathryn Price

Count by Denise Fleming

Time for Bed by Mem Fox

Hush Little Baby by Sylvia Long

Poppleton books by Cynthia Rylant and Mark Teague (early reader book)

Night House, Bright House by Monica Wellington

Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and Patrick Benson

The Keeping Quilt by Patricia Polacco

The Alphabet from A to Y with bonus letter Z by Steve Martin & Roz Chast

Joseph Had a Little Overcoat by Simms Tabak

And pretty much anything by Dr. Seuss, Sandra Boynton or Ezra Jack Keats.

The Kindness of Strangers

Another Tuesday and I'm happy to participate in the Moms' 30 Minute Blog Challenge. See what other moms are blogging about over at Steady Mom.

LP and I just returned from 4 days in Boston and it was a whirlwind of activity, family and friends. Overall, a great trip and since it was a short trip packed with things to do and people to see, neither of us got adjusted to East Coast time so it has been an easier return to our daily life.

Along the way, we experienced many kindnesses large and small. I've realized over the years that the practice of improv has helped me become a better observer of life. I'm more aware of body language and eye contact and more likely to engage with strangers who are "available." As I've grown more willing to be take social risks (saying "yes" to someone who is available for interaction), I've also become more willing to ask for help when I need it (completely against my New England DIY upbringing).

What a gift that was to me on this trip!

So thank you to the strangers who helped us:

*The TSA folks in Boston who helped retrieve the Kleen Kanteen I left on the plane on the way in and helped me get through a particularly hectic security line on the way back

*The family that took a turn listening for our names to be called to get our seat assignments so I could take LP for a much needed diaper change

*The flight attendant who took pity on me in my quest to board early simply to deal with the carseat (no, no, no said the airline) and took it on with him when he got on the plane

*The older woman who was fun conversation during our extra hour wait in Logan Airport and who came to sit with LP on the plane and read to her so I could go to the bathroom alone

*The passengers on both flights who helped me get the darn carseat off the plane (If we travel much more, I'm getting a CARES harness and checking the thing)

Happy Thanksgiving all around...and if you are in the Bay Area, remember Let It Snow: An Improvised Holiday Musical opens this Friday! We perform a full-length, Broadway-style musical set in the hometown of one of the audience members. It is a great way of traveling for the holidays, without all the hassle!

Saying "Yes" to Me

This blog post is part of this week's Moms' 30-Minute Blog Challenge over at Steady Mom.

Last week, I had an important “yes” experience. One that was all about me.

I was fortunate enough to have a bodywork session with Marion Rosen; she is a phenomenal 96 year old powerhouse of a woman who created a school of bodywork, The Rosen Method, that is practiced internationally.

The actual experience was very simple. I lay on a table. She put her hands on me and occasional did some very light manipulation and made some observations and suggestions. Very direct observations and suggestions. I felt a sense of release both on the muscular level and in my psyche during the session and since then, I have felt more lively, more awake and more able to do and not just drag through the day.

One of her observations that hit home (for there were many, she is an insightful being) was that I hold back and don’t reach for what I want.

Immediately I thought of my writing and how often I have put it aside. For good reasons and for not-so-good reasons. Because of work or exhaustion or fear of not being interesting enough or just plain good-enough. I’ve put it aside because of anxiety, because of ambivalence and sometimes just because. There are all kinds of reasons that I haven’t written much these past few years (motherhood is just one of them albeit a BIG one) but I've had a nearly lifelong struggle to give myself space to live a writing life. Writing is the experience, is the place that I miss, I long for and that I don’t reach for despite that longing.

Blogging (which I started doing in late January of this year) has helped me have a little writing practice in my life. Yet to really embrace the reaching, to really say “Yes” and “YES AND” to my own creative desire, I need to dive into something whole-heartedly.

So I’m participating in National Novel Writing Month. Which is completely crazy, over my head and impossible. The goal is to write 50,000 words in the month of November. WHAT? Where is the time to write that many words ~ never mind craft the kind of story I want to create?

And I’m doing it. I’ve never really thought about writing a novel before. In my earlier writing life, I mostly wrote plays with a smattering of short stories and poetry. So this is all new, uncharted territory.

I’m saying yes to my own impossible impulse. And that feels good.

And I'm curious to see if it will refresh my saying "yes" to LP's big inspirations.

Is there something lurking in your life, waiting for you to say "YES" to let loose inspiration?

5 Ways Improv is Good for Families

This post is part of the Moms' 30 Minute Blog Challenge.... I love this challenge, it reminds me of some of the best improv games because the "hoop" to jump through to succeed (i.e. write, edit and post a blog entry in 30 minutes) is also an invitation for a different kind of creativity than when there isn't that "hoop."

This is a blog post I've been toodle-ing around in my mind for months but I keep thinking I need to get the idea and wording "just right" so I haven't written it at all. Nothing. Nada. Til now...deep breath...here goes:

Improv is good for families...I knew going into creating our family that improv has been good for me as an individual (helping me with my overwhelming shyness, opening new doors to my creativity and ability to create with others, opening my eyes to new careers and more) and as a partner (ImprovDad and I met in an improv class and have used improv to help us through some rocky moments in our relationship). So it made sense to me that improv would be good for us in our parent-child relationships and as the 3 of us became a family.

Two nights ago, I had my "a-ha! This is it!" moment.

Dinner has been pretty challenging recently...we're trying to both include LP in conversations and also teach her some basic non-interrupting manners (which disrupts any flow of conversation). In the midst of some fussing about something, LP looked at me and said "gorilla." So I repeated "gorilla" and pounded my chest with my fists 5 times while making a funny noise. She looked at ImprovDad and said "gorilla." He did the same. She went back and forth between us a number of times and then ImprovDad said, "LP...gorilla" and she did it and laughed (so did we). It was joyful to find this playful interaction where we were equal participants. AND (as a bonus), it satisfied something for LP, so we were able to finish dinner in a much more relaxed and pleasant way.

Here's my 5 improv-family takeaways...Improv is good for families because the practice of improv:

1. Enhances appreciation of each family member's creativity and uniqueness.
2. Builds ensemble-- in this case, a sense of being a family ---by creating together.
3. Combats materialism -- all we need is ourselves and a willingness to share our imaginations. We can create any environment, scenario or situation using what we've got right now.
4. Creates optimism -- the heart of improv practice is saying "yes" to each other which makes the world a more positive place AND we experience how "yes" makes things possible.
5. Provides experiences where children & parents can play as equals.
   

Enjoying the Moment

LP's imagination is blooming. I overhear it in her dialogues with herself and her toys, in her growing conversations with us and in witnessing her play.

She scribbled on a piece of paper and put a paper penguin on top of it and announced "The penguin is lying down in the mud."

She got a notion to wallpaper the built in cabinet and had me supplying her the painter's tape (every parent's best friend) to put up her newspaper strip "wallpaper."

One of her favorite games involves casting herself as Gossie, ImprovDad as Gertie and me as Ollie (all from Olivier Dunrea's gosling books). She puts on ImprovDad's dress boots (which are deep red) and clomps around the house ordering us around in true Gossie style.

It is phenomenal to think of all the things that are happening in her brain, all the connections being made, all the neurons firing in new zippy patterns that allow her creativity to emerge.

And despite my deep delight, it is easy to want to look away, get distracted with other things even when she is pulling on my leg for me to play too. Yet I know that taking in and enjoying these moments is fuel for getting through the more difficult times. The spillover meltdowns that she has always been prone to that are now fueled by more intense feelings and experiences. The ten thousand interactions during the day where she swings between fiercely wanting independence and desperately wanting to be held and carried. All developmentally on cue. All of those things the work she needs to be doing. All of those behaviors are part of the whole that comes out in her imaginative play.

So I try to breathe deeply and take it in...enjoying her creativity, her storytelling, her imaginative flow and then...breathe more deeply through the other parts.

One Activity Improv Challenge Follow-up

I had a lot of ideas for mess-making. A LOT of ideas thanks to many friends and some internet searching. Most of which didn't get used but the warm up to focusing on saying yes to the mess was helpful and fortunately, ideas don't go bad.

And in focusing on saying "YES!" to messy projects for a week, I learned (or relearned) a number of things.

• Process, process, process...it is all about the process. LP was totally happy playing with the shaving cream so we didn't get around to adding food coloring or paint. When I set up paper mache, she wanted to play with the ripped up newspaper, the cardboard, the tape and the glue in turn but wasn't interested in putting those elements together. AND I also had reinforced that LP's body is her favorite canvas.
  

• If you love it, do it again! LP is always a fan of playdough and clay. She was particularly happy with the homemade playdough that I made with this cornstarch/baking soda recipe. I think she used this at some point every day, some times on its own and other times with paint and toys.
  

• There is always room for more YES! LP wanted cornstarch and cornstarch and more cornstarch to play with. She made a small "snowdrift" and rolled around in it and wanted more. Sadly we were out but oh, how I wished for a huge box of cornstarch to see what would happen.
  

• Ask myself "why not?" When I didn't want to do something, I asked myself why...when LP wanted to add playdough to the paint, my first reaction was "no" but really, there's no reason why not. This question also lead me to some rearranging. LP has an easel but it despite her love of doing things art-related, it wasn't getting much use. Now the easel is on an easy-to-clean-up mat (instead of the hardwood floor) and has open space around it (at least lessening the opportunity to paint and color "accidentally" on other things).
  

• And ask myself "why not?" again. By focusing on saying yes to mess, I also was giving myself space to look at when I say "no" (or want to say "no") and check out why. I also was able to pay attention to how to make our transitions out of messy play a better experience for us both (start early, give lots of verbal prep and break it down into small steps...I've tended to be all gung-ho and then go "oh no! I have to make dinner" and rush from one thing to the next which is not the way to go for this 2.5 year old).
  

So it was a worthwhile experiment and one I'm sure I'll do again.

Improv Crafting

Improv is a state of mind...it is a way of thinking about and experiencing the world.

The core principles as I've learned them (say yes and yes AND, make your partner look good, trigger your partner's imagination and celebrate failure) are truly and deeply a part of my life. I use these principles to reflect on my relationships and interactions and I get a burst of glee when I find a new place in my life that has room for improv.

I like to make stuff. I don't enjoy following directions and I am totally challenged on the spacial front...learning to craft like an improvisor has been a relief! It is a mini-journey rocketing forward now that LP is full-on into the arts & crafts experience.

I do often looked for reference points and help on complicated projects (or ones that I had a need to "get right" like the quilt I made for LP before she was born with mega-help from friends). AND I'm finding myself more and more willing to jump in and figure out what will work using the inspiration of the moment and the materials at hand.

LP is starting to have an interest in kitchen play, so I dug up some felt and set out to make a mess of cherry tomatoes. They are a little odd and lumpy but totally easy and satisfying to make and even more satisfying to watch her play with them.

As I made them, when thoughts about making the "perfect" cherry tomato would arise, I could let it go -- realizing that LP loves to turn books into puddles, a cooking spray can into her friend the rapping frog and flowers into ice cream. She doesn't need perfect (in fact, even these might be more representational than she likes)...and I was happy to discover to see that I don't either. Yes!

Spontaneous Play - a musing

This post is part of PhDinparenting’s Carnival of Play!
Click on over to check out all the wonderful ideas about play!

“Spontaneity need not be showy or dramatic; it can be subtle, gentle, and unassuming. It can be present in the way one thinks, walks, looks at nature, dances, or hums a tune softly in the shower.” – Adam Blatner (co-author of The Art of Play: Helping Adults Reclaim Imagination and Spontaneity)

To me the heart of play is spontaneity… spontaneity that is so simple and yet complex. Sometimes easy to name, label, put a box on it and then again…elusive. Spontaneity has many faces…it is the championship team where each individual is constantly adjusting and readjusting to make the goal, score the point, make the impossible play. It is the teacher opening a new door for learning to a student who believes he or she is a failure and cannot learn. It is the gentle teasing between friends. It is imagination allowed to flower into an active form be it planting a garden, writing a novel, or two stuffed animals having tea with a dinosaur. Or laughing while blowing a dandelion and waving goodbye to the seeds…or any of the small moments the LPs of the world give us to enjoy with them.

I think being a parent is an opportunity to reconnect with our own spontaneous nature, which is often buried in the “must-dos” of our lives as functioning adults. I love Adam Blatner’s description above of spontaneity as a way of being….and my experience is that I am happier when I am able to tap into spontaneity in the small acts of life as well as turn up the volume to teach or perform improv or more importantly, play with my beloved, my friends, family and of course, LP.

Our spontaneity allows us access to each other, fosters connections and builds community. When we’re in the zone of spontaneous play, we can meet as equals, share power and control and explore things that we otherwise never have access to. What a gift! And it can be as simple as saying “yes” to a moment.

I’ve learned so much about re-embracing spontaneity when I started improvising…it is truly like a muscle that one can “work out” to have more and more access to.

I had been teaching improvisational theater to adults for over a decade when I started to work with folks with Alzheimer’s. Their responses introduced me to completely new levels of spontaneity. Over time through this work I learned just how much quality of life can be found in simple emotional expression, in the experience of the moment even when that moment is not held onto in memory. I sometimes find myself thinking of these folks when I’m reflecting on playing with LP; parts of the role I play is the same (saying “yes” to impulses and ideas, offering possible ways to grow ideas) but of course LP’s life-stage journey is quite a different one, as every day she is a more aware, literally more conscious…and she is on fire to be more and more so. Sometimes when I watch her bombing around, chattering up a storm to herself, I long for that kind of easy immersion in spontaneity and imagination.

And then there are all the times, she wants spontaneity from me too. There are days – more than I like to admit to – when I feel tired, worn down and not, not, not interested in play. When it is hard to say “yes.” Yet, more often than not, that simple “yes” and LP’s positive response is often enough. And we are then off into play…reading books in funny voices, building steps to the sky, putting plants to bed, making friends with worms, making “squishballs” from playdough…or whatever comes next.

To end my musing, a quote from one of my favorite books about improv (really, if you were going to read just one, this is it – easy, accessible and has ideas you can try out in every day life):

“I know that improvisation has nothing to do with wit, glibness, or comic ability. A good improvisor is someone who is awake, not entirely self-focused, and moved by a desire to do something useful and give something back and who acts upon this impulse. My students wanted to know the password for joining the society of such people, to play fearlessly, and to work with greater ease. Here is the password – it is yes!….saying yes is an act of courage and optimism.” – Patricia Ryan Madson (author of Improv Wisdom: Don’t Prepare, Just Show Up)

More improv games to play with your kids coming soon!

The End of the Days of Naps and Roses

I think LP's naps may be a thing of the past.

"But she's too young to give up her naps! She just turned 2! I thought I'd get at least another year!" I cry out.

Who to? I'm not sure. I don't think anyone who can do anything about it is listening.

I'm not handling it very well.

It was not that long ago that she actually settled into a napping routine that was both fairly predictable and long enough for me to do things. A solid hour and a half to 2 hours on most days. This from a small one who has never been into sleeping. As an infant, she was the queen of the 20 minute nap. That was desperately hard, especially as I was pumping during naps so 20 minutes meant I often didn't eat or nap or even really pump enough. Only recently, very recently, did she start to do anything even resembling sleeping through the night. That is the upside of no naps, I suppose, there is a definite improvement in nighttime sleeping. Clearly, the girl has a lot of living to do and doesn't want to miss a moment. I do value her intensity...just wanting to find a snooze button for it in the middle of the day.

So the long, leisurely nap seems to be paradise lost. In the past 3 weeks, she has probably napped 5 times (and doesn't include the day she fell asleep for 10 minutes in the ergo on the way home and woke up before we even got home).

She does have an hour (sometimes more) of "quiet time" every afternoon. "Quiet" is in quotes because it is anything but...my girl, she is verbal. She is actually doing pretty well at entertaining herself for that amount of time and my friend, Dana, pointed out that it does take more self-regulation to be on your own than to sleep.

I'd still prefer sleep.

I miss the quiet of the house. I felt like that was real time to myself, our home was so still and peaceful. I could attempt to do the thousand things clogging my "do-list" or relax decadently with coffee and the crossword puzzle or more decadently...spend the whole time doodling about online. In that quiet, I was recharging my batteries. I could think, dream and plan.

I've always been a quiet-natured person and feel like I'm the most myself all-around in life when I have time when I'm not bombarded by noise and information. The apartment we lived in previously was on a busy street (right at a bus stop...great for transit but it was an all night route), near a hospital and it took me such a long time to be able to not be unsettled by sound of traffic and sirens. Long walks in Golden Gate Park were my antidote...I think I'm in for a bout of relearning to let the background chatter (and non-serious calls for "mama") fade into the background.

Why post about this here? Because I see how my frustration level and state of exhaustion is on the rise...and my improv skills stagnate in that internal environment. I find myself being less of the mom I hope to be...while I don't expect to be playful and creative all the time, I am saddened when I have to work so hard to put aside the frustration to be playful for 10 minutes. I find myself behaving in ways I don't like...and have had a few embarrassing public moments recently were I was aware that my reaction was out of proportion to LP's action.

So I'm readjusting my expectations and figuring out what can I change that preserves my peace of mind and spirit and will meet LP's changing need.

Or maybe she'll start to nap again?

Or maybe not....because I could also get used to the quiet of the house within 15 minutes of putting her to bed, instead of the 2 hour marathons we used to have. Hmm....

Once upon a time...once upon a time...

There is something magic to me about the phrase "once upon a time..." I have a recollection of reading that all known languages have some equivalent phrase which is a cue for a story. (Though it doesn't cover all known languages wikipedia has a fun to read entry with a list of common story beginnings and endings in a bunch of them. I'm particularly intrigued by the many versions that start with "There was, and there wasn't....)

One of the sweetest sounds to me these days is LP prompting me to participate by saying "Once upon a time..."

Recently, she has begun telling me some very short stories. Tonight I discovered that if I repeated the phrase(s) she had just said, she would add the next detail. It went something like this:

LP: Once upon a time...
Me: Once upon a time..
LP: There was...
Me: Once upon a time there was...
LP: A frog!
Me: Once upon a time there was a frog...
LP: A frog...in a blue shirt looked for flowers.
Me: Once upon a time there was a frog in a blue shirt who looked for flowers.
LP: Pink flowers!
Me: Once upon a time, there was a frog in a blue shirt who looked for pink flowers...
LP: To smell and smell.
Me: Once upon a time there was a frog in a blue shirt who looked for pink flowers to smell and smell.
(Then LP was done with both the story and her dinner.)

Really something to watch her creative mind in action, pulling together different ideas. I was surprised by how quickly she jumped on adding elements and seemed engaged by my repeating the whole of it.

Expectations

LP loves to do art.

I love that LP loves to do art.

In particular, she's very engaged in painting (especially painting herself - especially painting her arms and hair). Sometimes the clean-up is tedious (for me) and tearful (for her) but so easy to say "yes" to - at least most of the time - the intensity of her concentration wows me.

LP's Grandpa made her a fantastic easel so she has anytime access to crayons. She digs the crayons and will dabble a little in drawing with them but mostly, she wants to art direct. Which I have come to realize that I'm resistant to because I really, really, really want her to draw on her own. (I have no "high art" aspirations for my toddler - just your regular amazing scribbling/doodling kind of thing).

I had no idea that I harbored this fantasy world and it has surprised me how hard it is for me to let go and just enjoy the authority of her art direction. As someone who is a bit self-conscious about drawing, it is actually pretty fabulous to draw pages of eyes, toes and belly buttons (sometimes connected with other body parts, sometimes not).

I'm so curious where this will go...just need to remind myself that this is the path we're headed down and that it is the one of LP's choosing.